To live in a world where everyone loves one another and all get along would be glorious! However, that is not likely to happen in our lifetime! Therefore, we must begin the arduous process of trying to adequately prepare our kids to deal with angry people and those who would deliberately annoy or bully.

In a recent group meeting with some of our students, I stepped out on a limb and asked the question, “What really ticks you off”? Fully expecting that my answers would come in a wide range, I was very surprised to hear that most of the teens were truly angered about two or three things only. I was again surprised to hear that most of their answers regarding their anger were directed at their parents and what the parents do to make them angry.

Many stated that they disliked it and became angry when parents would not give them a chance to speak regarding certain situations in which they were being questioned or punished. They stated that their parents, in most cases, already had a formed opinion of what had happened without even hearing their side or their input. They stated that those conversations and moments would lead to them stuffing their anger as they felt it would fall on deaf ears, only making them feel worse and more angry. They expressed that they realize “stuffing” their anger only made things worse for them, but they felt there were few options when it came to their parents hearing them out.

The next answer was almost unanimous among the teens as they answered and stated that one of the things that really made them angry was the fact that parents would tend to bring up things from their past when a new situation would arise. They expressed a desire for parents to give them a “clean slate” and not reflect back to their past issues, allowing them the opportunity to learn from the present mistake without having to go back and include their past mistakes with each new infraction.

The next answer regarding what really “ticked them off” and made them angry was a great surprise as several stated that they wish parents would be on the same page regarding family boundaries for them. Some expressed their frustration or anger regarding the different parenting styles used and how it made them feel when one parent would place certain expectations on them but the other parent would completely negate the necessity of that particular family rule. They felt their anger would be exacerbated when mom and dad could not sit in the same room with them to discuss their infractions without the two of them getting into an argument about the appropriate way to handle the situation. Most of the students said that it made them very angry that one parent would most usually be the one who would end the conversation simply by stating “Well, that’s just too bad, that is the way it is, and we are not going to talk about it any longer.”

I was taken by surprise as the students would openly express that much of their pent-up anger was directly related to the parenting skills of their parents. I became very aware of the fact that we have to do more counseling with the families if we want to help the angry teen. As parents, we want to reach out to our teens and help them resolve their conflicts and manage their anger, but we have to make certain that we, as parents, are not a part of the problem when trying to address their problem!! With that being said, I believe we, as parents, need to take a close look at how we listen to our kids without having a judgmental attitude as well as being willing to let dead dogs lie.

At Wolf Creek Academy, our staff deal daily with issues of unresolved anger and find new ways to help validate the students’ feelings while helping the entire family bridge their relationships.